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💌 From the Editor’s Desk
Welcome to this week's Work In Progmess - you’ve found your people.
In this issue, you’ll learn:
- Why doing chores early might be the ultimate form of time management
- Wordle FTW
- How one man’s midweek productivity triggered a philosophical crisis
- How not to onboard (unless your goal is TikTok virality or HR suspicion)
Read on, resist the loop, and maybe forward this to someone who just added “Thought Leader, Probably” to their email signature.
— The Mess
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📊Messy Metric of the Week
First day on the job?
72% of new hires spend their first day trying to look busy while secretly Googling how to spell “colleague.”
(Sources: A DM, the office group chat, and one extremely confident intern.)
True? Unclear. But this is:
69% of employers say they’d rather hire someone with strong soft skills over someone with technical expertise.
(Source: LinkedIn Global Talent Trends)
So if you smiled awkwardly and asked where the bathroom is today, congrats—you’re already nailing it.
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📰Headline Shocker
Man Prepares for Hypothetical Time Loop by Doing Laundry on Wednesday Afternoon
By Staff Writer | Work In ProgMess Newsroom
EASTON, MD — In what local sources are calling “a bold if unprovoked act of timeline readiness,” 23-year-old David S. reportedly did laundry at 3:14 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon.
The move—described by witnesses as “suspiciously productive for midweek”—sparked confusion in his household, particularly from his mother, who phoned to ask if everything was okay. David’s response has since gone viral in niche productivity forums and several lightly moderated Reddit threads.
“Obviously, today isn’t the time loop day,” he said.
“Because if it were, I would’ve already done the laundry yesterday. I’m doing it today so I don’t get stuck repeating a Thursday with dirty clothes.”
Authorities have not confirmed the existence of a time loop. However, David’s logic, referred to in some corners as Time Look Avoidance Theory (TLAT), appears to be gaining traction with younger professionals who fear both stagnation and socks with no match.
The Laundry Incident
Eyewitness reports confirm that David gathered, sorted, and began washing a full load of clothes at precisely 3:14 p.m. EST. Surveillance from the kitchen Ring camera captured him making a second trip with stray gym towels at 3:17.
No visible signs of duress, deadline pressure, or laundry emergencies were present.
“He just walked in, picked up the basket, and went,” said his younger sibling, 17, who asked not to be named. “Didn’t even look like he was procrastinating anything else. It was... calculated. Chilling, honestly.”
Temporal Anxiety or Quantum Foresight?
Though initially dismissed as quirky, David’s behavior has since been described by one MIT-adjacent blogger as “the first practical application of ethical multiverse theory in domestic chores.”
An anonymous former NASA intern added fuel to the speculation:
“If we accept the premise that time loops select for stasis, then eliminating obvious friction—like undone laundry—could reduce loop risk. He might be the first civilian to act preemptively. It’s giving Ender’s Game, but with fabric softener.”
Historical Precedents
David is not the first to operate under the assumption of closed-loop temporality.
- In 1993, meteorologist Phil Connors became a case study in repetitive day syndrome after reliving Groundhog Day 34 times, though some estimates place the number closer to 10,000.
- In 2020, physicists at the University of Queensland modeled time travel in a way that “resolves paradoxes”—raising fresh concerns about repeating days spent binging Love Island instead of running errands.
Community Response
While initial reactions ranged from admiration to mild concern, David’s strategy has gained cult status among those seeking functional escape from executive dysfunction.
A TikTok post quoting his laundry loop logic over moody synth music has garnered 2.3M views. The top comment reads:
“I’m doing the dishes now so I don’t wake up stuck in a loop where my sink smells like failure. Thank you, Loop King.” At press time, David was seen vacuuming the living room “just in case the loop starts Friday.”
He declined further comment, citing the need to finish a dentist appointment reschedule and check his oil.
“Look,” he said, “you don’t want to be stuck living your worst version. That’s all I’m saying.” |
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💡The Sports Page
⛳ SPORTS PAGE | WORK IN PROGMESS WEEKLY
Wordle Group Chat Fractures After 'Moist' in Two
BY STAFF WRITER: BLANKS T. FILLER
GROUP TEXT, EARLY MORNING — What began as a light-hearted way to “keep the mind sharp” has descended into a psychological battleground of shame, silence, and subtle linguistic flexes. The daily Wordle scoreboard in the long-running friend chat known as The Brain Gang has become a toxic stew of algorithmic pride and passive aggression.
The most recent crisis? Longtime member Kyle got the word in two guesses.
The word? Moist.
The fallout? Nuclear.
😤 You Got It in HOW Many?
“I’m happy for him. Really,” said Alexa, who has posted five consecutive 4s and one crushing 6 this week. “I mean, yes, I muted the chat for 48 hours, but that was unrelated.”
Tensions had been building for months. First came the graphs. Then the emojis. Then someone made a Wordle victory Canva post. Kyle’s “Moist in Two” dropped like a leadership seminar into a happy hour. Suddenly everyone was recalibrating their worth.
📱 Daily Chat Highlights:
- “Ugh. Four. Again.”
- “Three, but I started with CRISP so honestly proud.”
- No message from Jordan for two days. Jordan always messages.
- Screenshot of a 2, followed by “Lucky lol.” (It wasn’t lucky.)
🧠 Work in Progmess Editorial Analysis
Let’s be clear: Wordle isn’t just a game. It’s a daily referendum on intelligence, humility, and whether or not you started with ADIEU like a coward.
But here’s the truth we forget, in Wordle and in work: It’s your game. Your guesses. Your path. If you’re playing just to beat Kyle, you’ve already lost.
Always remember: You set your own scoreboard. One person’s green square victory doesn’t make your four guesses a failure—it just makes it Tuesday.
🟨 Final Wordle Standings
🥇 Kyle – “Didn’t mean to start with MOIST” (absolutely meant to)
🥈 Tessa – Got it in three, but with quiet dignity
🥉 Alexa – Still thinking about yesterday’s “plumb” debacle
📉 Jordan – Ghosted the thread. Rumored to be playing Connections now.
Not everything needs to be a competition. Unless it’s Connections. In which case, good luck and God help us all.
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🤝 Unhinged List (Leaked-memo style)
🚨 INTERNAL REPORT: 2025 Intern Cohort—First Day Post-Mortem
Prepared by People & Culture (née HR, rebranded but still suspicious)
CONFIDENTIAL – Do Not Forward
(So naturally, here we are.)
Summary:
The Summer 2025 intern class arrived on Monday. By noon, three were trending (internally), two had already reintroduced themselves on email, and one submitted a Google Doc titled “Quick Wins I Noticed While Waiting for IT Access.”
We regret to report the following five recurring patterns, now officially categorized under “Office Punchline Triggers.”
1. Premature Disruption Syndrome
(“Hi, I’m new here. Here’s how I’d run things.”) Several interns confused onboarding with a strategic offsite. Common behaviors included unsolicited brand feedback, confident questions about “tech stack compatibility,” and references to McKinsey reports no one asked for.
One intern said, “Have you considered a complete rebrand?” during an introductory team huddle. We had not.
Recommended Response: Let them write down their big ideas in a personal doc. Don’t open it. Frame it as “empowering self-led discovery.” (That’s what we did last year. It worked. Mostly.)
2. Fashion Statements That Made… Statements
(When business casual becomes business experimental.) We saw three categories emerge:
- The Overachiever: full suit, zero context
- The Underdresser: arrived in gym clothes, unbothered
- The Fashion Moment™: wore red leather loafers described as “a conversation starter” (they were)
Reminder: our handbook does mention “professional discretion,” but as always, enforcement is interpretive and consequences are mostly social.
3. Over-networking, Under-knowing
(“Let’s connect!” said the intern who still doesn’t know where the bathroom is.) Multiple interns booked 1:1s before completing onboarding modules. One created a personal QR code for coffee chat scheduling (unrequested). Another introduced themselves as “an energy builder” and was promptly asked to locate the toner cartridge. They could not.
Note: Initiative is great. So is knowing how to print a PDF.
4. Digital Casualties
(The tone mismatch epidemic continues.) We observed excessive emoji use, paragraph-length intros, and one intern who ended an email with “Stay bold!” That same intern had also hyperlinked their Medium blog on “Redefining Professionalism for a New Era.”
We’ll discuss digital literacy in the Week 2 intern circle-up. Until then, if you receive an email that begins “Hi team!! Super pumped to connect!”—do not engage. Forward to Deborah.
5. Curiosity Without Context
(Asking questions is great. Knowing when, even better.) Several interns asked what the company “actually does” during team meetings. A few inquired whether PTO applied retroactively. One asked if the CEO was “cool with dogs.” The CEO was in the room.
Strong questions heard:
- “What does success look like for the next 30 days?”
- (We like that last one. Makes us sound like we have traditions.)
Final Recommendations
- Resist the urge to assign nicknames ("Intern Who...") before Week 2.
- Offer feedback early—but softly. (They’re still recovering from the onboarding slideshow music.)
- Watch for quiet stars. They’re often the ones who end up hired.
Appendix A: Internal Data Summary
📊 Top 3 First-Day Missteps (per manager poll)
- Loud confidence without context
- Forwarding emails they weren’t included on
- Unironic use of the phrase “my truth”
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🗞️ WORK IN PROGMESS CLASSIFIEDS
Now Hiring: Contributor to the Chaos
Because satire this good shouldn’t be left to professionals.
🪪 POSITION: Guest Contributor, Work In Progmess Classifieds
📍 LOCATION: Remote. As in emotionally unavailable.
⏰ SCHEDULE: Flexible, but somehow always behind
💸 COMPENSATION: Exposure. (We mean that in the worst possible way.)
💼 JOB DESCRIPTION
Do you find joy in writing fake job titles?
Do you have strong opinions about Google Docs, open-concept offices, or people who say “let’s unpack that”?
Do you often experience something ridiculous at work and think, “This belongs in a newsletter”?
We want your contributions.
Work In Progmess is launching our Classifieds Section—a rotating space for community-generated satire rooted in real workplace experiences.
We’re talking:
- Fake job listings
- Spoof promotions or internal announcements
- Absurd resignation letters
- Emotionally erratic memos
- Mission statements that forgot the mission
- Or anything else that’s ridiculous but true, with a whisper of wisdom buried underneath
Think of it as therapy, if therapy had a word count and slightly more sarcasm.
✅ IDEAL APPLICANT
- Can type while questioning the meaning of “circling back”
- Believes corporate jargon is a love language
- Thinks “soft skills” are harder than Excel
- Comfortable turning real chaos into slightly elevated commentary
📫 TO APPLY:
Email your satire-laced truth nugget to info@workinprogmess.ai.
Subject line: “I’d Like to List Something Questionable”
We may feature the best submissions each week.
Or we may just forward them to a group chat, cry-laugh, and forget to respond. Honestly, it’s a 50/50.
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📩Until Next Time…
Whether you're rewiring your onboarding slides, dejectedly heading to Connections, or desperately hoping your intern doesn’t forward that internal email to Legal—just remember:
This is your loop. Make it livable.
Time may be circular, your calendar may be cursed, and your boss may be stuck in 2019 strategy mode—but you’ve got clean socks, a snack drawer that sparks joy, and just enough awareness to hit send on that out-of-office before the next rerun starts.
Onward. Forward. With lint roll in hand.
Snarkily yours,
—The Progmess Editorial Team
P.S. Welp, looks like today is not the day that is stuck in a time loop so this looks like the Bitter End of this newsletter. If that makes you sad, you can generate your own GroundHog Day meme here. Tag us in your nonsense - we are all about that!
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