​The Work in Progmess Team​ April 15, 2025

💌 From the Editor’s Desk

Where emotional labor is billable, footnotes hold secrets, and someone just got promoted for “being upbeat on camera.”

This week, we’re spotlighting:

• The jaw-clenching power of a Zoom smile
• A suspiciously glowing letter of recommendation (👀)
• Leadership books that should not exist
• And one reader’s realization that “We’re a family” is not a compliment—it’s a red flag with snacks.

If you’re reading this with a fake grin, slightly hunched, and wondering if your Slack tone is “collaborative” or “passive-aggressive adjacent,” you’re in the right place.

Let’s begin.
— The Mess

📊Messy Metric of the Week

🎯 Unofficial IT Report:​
82% of a service rep’s emotional stability is spent saying, “Have you tried restarting it?”—usually to someone who has not, and never will.

The other 18%? Composing emails that say “Per my last message” in a tone legally classified as HR-friendly rage.

But here’s the twist...
📈 World Economic Forum 2025 Report:​
Service orientation and customer care are still among the top core skills for 2030.

Translation? Emotional endurance is the new technical expertise.
The future belongs to those who can reboot a router—and their feelings.

📰Headline Shocker

📰 HEADLINE SHOCKER:

Employee Boosts Career Face Value 27% by Remembering to Smile in Zoom Calls, Despite Internal Scream Loop

NEWARK, NJ — In a move that has HR departments scrambling to add “positive vibes” to performance reviews, 31-year-old marketing manager Delaney Wu has reportedly enhanced her career trajectory not with a new certification or a bold business strategy—but by smiling more on Zoom.

“I didn’t do anything differently at work,” Wu confirmed. “I just started showing more teeth. Apparently, that’s leadership now.”

Sources close to the matter confirm that the experiment, dubbed the Facial Look Optimization Pilot (FLOP) by Wu herself, required zero financial investment, only minor soul erosion, and roughly 45 minutes in front of a mirror each morning to calibrate what she called her “engaged but not unhinged” expression.

The Smile Strategy

Wu’s tactical smile deployment included:

• Mirror Calibration: Hours spent practicing looks that suggested confidence without veering into deranged cruise ship director.
• Slack Emoji Armor:
  • 🙂 to soften direct feedback
  • 🙌 to feign enthusiasm for assignments she regretted mid-send
  • 😂 to coat sarcasm in plausible deniability
  • 🙏 which she just found out are not “congratulations” hands, but actually prayer hands—and is now retroactively praying that no one noticed
• Zoom Lighting + Cheekbone Control: Natural light and moderate teeth exposure used to avoid appearing apathetic—or worse, neutral.

The results? A 27% perceived increase in professionalism, according to one wildly informal poll of co-workers who admitted they “just liked her vibe more lately.”

Science Says You’re Not Wrong (But Also Not Free)

Corporate training decks everywhere have latched on to the following studies:

• Smiling increases likability and perceived competence (University of Kansas, 2012)
• Even fake smiles can lower stress levels (Kraft & Pressman, 2012)
• Interviewers prefer smiling candidates (Loyola University, 1982)
• But beware: overused smiles can backfire, making you look fake or submissively agreeable (Stanford GSB, 2021)

Wu, however, warns of the fine print. “I used to want to be respected,” she said. “Now I just want to stop doing facial Pilates before every meeting.”

She reports jaw tension, emotional exhaustion, and a creeping fear that if she stops smiling, someone will mark her as “low morale” in the next 1:1.

Editorial Commentary: Smile If You Must, But Don’t Weaponize Your Face

🤝 Unhinged Lists

Books We (Mis)Read So You Don't Have To

Finally, leadership advice for people who skim.

In today’s fast-paced, low-attention-span, LinkedIn-influencer-driven world, who has time to read entire books? Fortunately, we don’t either. That’s why we’ve distilled the wisdom of the world’s most celebrated leadership books into something far more powerful: slightly worse versions of them.

Each title below reflects a bold reimagining—one word changed, a thousand IQ points lost. Why challenge your thinking when you can reinforce your worst habits with faux-philosophy and motivational jargon? Welcome to the new leadership canon. It’s like the old one, but with less nuance.

1. Think Again → Think Once

Tagline: Because overthinking is for underachievers.

Synopsis: In Think Once, you’ll learn how to make snap judgments with zero follow-up reflection. Why gather data or change your mind when you can double down on your worst take and call it “decisive leadership”? Includes bonus chapter: Hot Takes at Room Temperature.

2. The Obstacle Is the Way → The Obstacle In the Way

Tagline: If you encounter resistance, turn around immediately.

Synopsis: Based on centuries of avoiding hard things, this book teaches you how to run—not walk—away from discomfort. Master the art of quitting early and blaming traffic. Why build grit when you could build excuses?

3. Dare to Lead → Don’t You Dare Lead

Tagline: Stay in your lane, Jane.

Synopsis: This powerful anti-guide shows you how to keep your head down, your ideas to yourself, and your camera off in every meeting. Leadership is a risk, and risks are for people with way more confidence than you. Stop daring. Start disappearing.

​

💡The Sports Page | NFL Draft Week Edition

🏈 Drafting Fictional Leaders: Scouting Reports from the Realm of Imagination

By Sports Desk at Work In Progmess

The NFL Draft is a multi-day, multi-million dollar bet on potential. Behind every selection is a team of analysts, scouts, psychologists, and coaches trying to see what a young athlete might become — not just in terms of skill, but leadership, chemistry, and legacy.

They’re not just drafting players. They’re drafting the future of their organization.

So, we asked ourselves: What if we ran the same process on characters from our favorite stories — both fictional and real? What would their scouting reports look like? Could we find the next franchise QB in the halls of Hogwarts, the locker room of AFC Richmond, or the Iron Throne?

Let’s hit the war room and find out.

📊 Scouting Reports: The Fictional Draft Board

🧠 Nathan Shelley (Ted Lasso)

• Round Grade: Late 1st / Early 2nd (High upside, system dependent)
• Combine Notes:​
  ​Elite tactical mind, next-level understanding of space and flow. Shows flashes of brilliance as a strategist. Struggled early with self-worth and confidence but proved coachable. May require a strong locker room culture to thrive.
• GM Quote: “The tape’s undeniable. But he’s got to believe in himself before anyone else will.”
• NFL Comp: Mike McDaniel with a dash of Sean McVay — if raised by Roy Kent and emotionally coached by Oprah.

​

👑 Joffrey Baratheon (Game of Thrones)

• Round Grade: Off-the-board for character, Day 1 measurables
• Combine Notes:​
  ​Royal pedigree, magnetic presence, commands attention. Unfortunately, also commands unnecessary violence and crossbow demonstrations. Instant offense to team culture. Lacks humility, empathy, and emotional regulation.
• GM Quote: “He thinks leadership is about control. We’re trying to build a team, not a dictatorship.”
• NFL Comp: The cautionary tale of Johnny Manziel meets the unchecked ego of early Antonio Brown.

​

🎨 Michael Scott (The Office)

• Round Grade: 6th round flyer (Boom-or-bust culture guy)
• Combine Notes:​
  Overconfident, unorthodox communicator. Flashes surprising loyalty and heart in key moments. Needs a veteran locker room and a highly competent support staff.
• GM Quote: “He’s not gonna win you the game, but he might throw the best team party after.”
• NFL Comp: Ryan Fitzpatrick, if he also managed a Chili’s.

​

🧪 Walter White (Breaking Bad)

• Round Grade: 2nd round (Elite production, character flagged)
• Combine Notes:​
  ​Obsessive work ethic, elite strategic planning, high-pressure performance. Downsides include a tendency toward Machiavellian manipulation and complete moral unraveling.
• GM Quote: “Put him on the right team, he’s a Hall of Famer. Put him in the wrong system… boom.”
• NFL Comp: Aaron Rodgers’ football IQ with Aaron Hernandez’s off-field headlines.

🦁 Ted Lasso (Ted Lasso)

• Round Grade: Undrafted free agent turned franchise cornerstone
• Combine Notes:​
  ​Zero technical knowledge upon entry, but redefined what it means to lead a team. His investment in people over plays laid the foundation for long-term success.
• GM Quote: “Doesn’t know zone coverage from a waffle iron — but I’d follow him into any locker room.”
• NFL Comp: Dan Campbell meets Mr. Rogers. With a whistle.

​

🎤 Taylor Swift (playing herself)

• Round Grade: 1st overall in a PR draft
• Combine Notes:​
  Relentless brand builder, elite communicator, built-in fanbase. Knows how to turn adversity into chart-toppers. Bonus: She boosts tight end production in Kansas City.
• GM Quote: “If leadership is about connection, she’s already in the Hall of Fame.”
• NFL Comp: Travis Kelce’s agent’s dream scenario.

🏁 Final Thoughts: The Truth Behind the Draft

Whether it's a Heisman winner or a fictional prince, the draft reminds us that talent alone isn’t enough. GMs aren’t just betting on 40 times and highlight reels — they’re betting on character, coachability, and heart.

We can all learn a little from the draft room this week:

• Are we evaluating people for what they are, or what they could become?
• Are we building teams around shared values or flashy résumés?
• And when it comes time to bet on someone’s potential — what are we really betting on?

Great leaders aren’t just born. They’re built — slowly, intentionally, and with the right support system.

Just don’t draft Joffrey. Seriously. You’ll regret it by minicamp.

Want to submit your own fictional draft pick? Hit reply and send your scouting report. Bonus points for creativity, minus points for picking Darth Vader in the first round.

📩Dear Progmess

💌 Dear Progmess

"I thought I just needed to toughen up. But maybe this place just isn’t for me."

Dear Progmess,

I don’t know if I’m burned out or just finally reading the fine print, but something’s off.

I keep my comments short in meetings—not because I have nothing to say, but because silence follows me like a bad punchline. Until someone else says the same thing, and suddenly it’s genius.

I triple-check my Slack messages—not for typos, for tone. I’m trying to sound curious without sounding “difficult.” Which is wild, considering I’m just asking who owns the spreadsheet.

And every time I hear “we’re a family” or “we reward initiative,” I flinch. Because that’s not what’s rewarded. What’s rewarded is compliance. Polite agreement. A yes-face and a calendar with no boundaries.

I used to think I just needed thicker skin.

Then I did a values exercise (yes, from a TikTok therapist—yes, it worked).
Here’s what showed up:

• Honesty, even when it’s inconvenient
• Humor that doesn’t need a compliance disclaimer
• Respect, the real kind
• Growth that means something to me

I’m not quitting (yet). I like groceries.

But I am done pretending this is normal just because it’s common.

Thanks for reading. I needed to say this somewhere that didn’t end with “let’s circle back.”

— Observing the Mismatch

Dear Mismatch,

Excellent news: your instincts work. The culture, however, does not.

You’ve correctly identified that “we’re a family” is corporate for “we ignore boundaries but expect loyalty.”

You value respect—so of course, you’re in a place where silence is professionalism and enthusiasm is suspect.

You want growth. They want enthusiasm about things that no longer make sense but look great in a slide transition.

Here’s your move:
Document the gap between what you believe and what you’re being asked to tolerate.
Name it. Don’t brand it.

And when you're ready, take that clarity, pack it into a beautifully formatted “next steps” doc, and walk it into a better room.

One where “initiative” doesn’t mean inheriting someone else’s mess and getting a Slack emoji in return.

Until then, keep your humor sharp, your values visible, and your camera off when it needs to be.

— Work In Progmess

📩Until Next Time…

Before You Close the Tab...

Here’s your weekly reminder:

• Your value is not determined by how many emoji you add to your Slack messages.
• You are allowed to frown. In fact, it may be a sign of intelligence.
• If your calendar looks like a lost game of Tetris, it’s not you. It’s capitalism.

And if this issue made you laugh, think, or question your facial muscle fatigue—forward it to a coworker, manager, or that one friend who still says “let’s put a pin in it” without irony.

Be the reason someone else has a mini career epiphany 👇 Your personal magic link: [RH_REFLINK GOES HERE] Facebook Twitter Whatsapp Linkedin PS: You have referred [RH_TOTREF GOES HERE] people so far ⚡️ by SparkLoop

Next week: we investigate the hidden pain behind “Thanks in advance" (or not if we forgot or can't be bothered).

Happy hunting,​
—The Progmess Editorial Team

P.S. You made it to the bitter end. That means you either love us, hate your job, or accidentally scrolled while zoning out on a Zoom call. Either way, you’ve earned a prize:
🎁 This bizarre little tool from Brian Eno delivers cryptic creative prompts like “Emphasize the flaws” and “Destroy nothing; destroy the most important thing.”
Use it to solve a problem, write a resignation letter, or confuse your boss in your next stand-up. We don’t judge.

Find us on all the Socials!

​​​​​​

​