Issue #36: The World’s Smallest Layoff
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💌 From the Editor’s DeskWelcome back to Work In Progmess, the newsletter that thrives on transparency, satire, and the occasional accidental HR violation. With layoffs dominating the news, we decided it was time to engage in responsible corporate governance. Time to optimize. Time to streamline. Time to re-evaluate our workforce. We quickly remembered we have exactly two employees. And neither of them receives a paycheck. So our Strategic Review Committee, which is also us, recommended we pause all layoffs for the foreseeable future. — The Mess 📰Headline ShockerWORK IN PROGMESS ANNOUNCES LAYOFFS, IMMEDIATELY REALIZES THERE IS NO ONE TO LAY OFF Company follows with hiring freeze, snack freeze, and a motivational email addressed to itself ATLANTA, GA — In a bold move that briefly shook absolutely no markets, Work In Progmess leadership announced a sweeping internal restructuring on Tuesday. The announcement included a workforce reduction that was projected to reduce headcount by 50 percent. After reviewing the employee roster, leadership discovered that any reduction would eliminate the entire company. A revised memo was issued within nine minutes. “We remain committed to efficiency,” the CEO said. “But we also remain committed to existing.” The company then introduced a series of additional initiatives to appear more official: New Policies Introduced:
When asked why the restructuring was initiated in the first place, leadership admitted they “wanted to fit in with the other companies who were doing big important things” and thought it would be a fun team-building exercise. Following the failed layoff attempt, the company held a Town Hall for all staff, featuring a PowerPoint presentation titled “State of the Work In Progmess Union” which included detailed charts, graphs, and stock photography purchased during a Black Friday sale. The Q and A session was canceled when leadership realized any questions would have been addressed to themselves. One insider, who requested anonymity despite being one of the two employees, shared that “the performance review was the hardest part because I had to give myself constructive feedback, and frankly, I did not take it well.” 📉 Bonus Feature: Corporate Terms That Make No Sense for a Two-Person Newsletter
🪑 From The Editor’s Desk
Here is the truth. Restructuring is sometimes necessary. And sometimes it is simply contagious corporate energy that convinces you to reorganize your life for no reason at all.
You do not need to trim your team when your team is you.
You do not need a Department of Efficiency to justify your value.
You do not need to right-size your identity to match someone else’s panic.
You only need clarity, purpose, and maybe a better snack budget.
Everything else is noise.
📩Until Next Time…Forward this to someone who survived a reorg so confusing they now report to a person they trained. Then remind them. — The Progmess Editorial Team 🔗 Bitter End If this week’s “corporate restructuring” edition has you wondering whether you are behind, off track, or in need of a complete life reboot, here is something that may shift your perspective. 🎥 Watch “The best way to become good at something might surprise you” by David Epstein. 👉 https://youtu.be/jLOuMXnM5wk?si=HlUNZZYbYtfyU-d_ Because whether you are a two person company trying to lay yourselves off or an individual trying to figure out what is next, remember this: Find us on all the Socials! |
