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💌 From the Editor’s Desk
Welcome to Issue #3 of Work In Progmess — the only newsletter bold enough to ask: "What if your inbox could roast you and coach you at the same time?"
This issue contains:
✅ 0% career clarity
✅ 100% personality
✅ A surprising number of Zoom metaphors
Inside, you’ll uncover:
📎 The generational job advice showdown no one asked for
🤖 Proof you’re human (bonus points for crying in Trader Joe’s)
💼 A Slack-heavy saga called "leadership"
📊 And one poll that might just cancel itself
Read, skim, panic-Google a synonym for “detail-oriented”—whatever chaos you choose.
— The Mess
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📊Messy Metric of the Week
95% of job offers are secured through knowing the office gossip. (Source: Cubicle Chronicles)
Contrary to popular belief and much to the chagrin of serious connoisseurs of office tea, here's the actual scoop:
85% of jobs are filled through networking. (Source: HubSpot)
Networking is not just chit-chat by the water cooler; it's a strategic advantage.
💬 "Turns out, it's not just who you know, but also how you connect that matters. Just last week, I helped organize the office potluck and ended up with a new job lead!"
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📰Headline Shocker
📣 Father's Career Advice Met with Gen Z Enlightenment: "Already Knew That, But Thanks!"
By The Progmess Newsroom
In a suburban kitchen where a banana hook still swings with authority and three smart speakers fight for conversational dominance, 52-year-old Gary H. attempted the unthinkable: offering career advice to his 21-year-old daughter, Olivia. The outcome? A reminder that Gen Z has been there, Googled that, and probably turned it into a side hustle.
“It was just another Tuesday,” Gary said, sipping a Diet Coke like a man who still thinks LinkedIn is a résumé with friends. “I told her to print out a few extra résumés, just in case. She asked if I wanted them printed on papyrus or just carved into stone tablets.”
Olivia, a recent college grad with a double major in Marketing and Knowing More Than Her Parents, took the advice in stride. “He’s trying. He told me to 'pound the pavement.’ I told him the only thing I pound is keyboard shortcuts.”
This exchange is not unique. According to the National Institute of Unsolicited Wisdom, 92% of dads believe their job-hunting advice is “still pretty relevant, honestly,” while 87% of Gen Z respondents say their parents are “adorable when they talk like it’s 1997.”
Last week, Gary recommended Olivia “follow up with a phone call,” which sent her into a mild panic. “He said, ‘Just call the office and ask to speak to the hiring manager.’ I said, ‘Dad, I haven’t called anyone since 2018 who wasn’t a pizza place or my dentist.’”
In response to being gently roasted, Gary is taking it all in stride—sort of. He's now developing a PowerPoint titled “The Value of a Firm Handshake and Eye Contact: A Guide for Zoomers” and strongly considering launching his own Substack, Career Compass for the Youths, which will feature tips like “Always carry a business card” and “Don’t wear sneakers to an interview unless you’re applying at Foot Locker.”
Olivia, meanwhile, continues to job hunt by decoding job descriptions like “rockstar ninja marketer,” navigating AI résumé screeners, and pretending to feel joy while writing cover letters to applicant portals named after woodland animals.
“I love my dad,” she said, “but he still thinks the company holiday party is where you get promoted. I keep trying to explain that now, it’s just a Slack emoji reaction.”
At press time, Gary had just discovered ChatGPT and asked Olivia if it could help him find “a decent fax cover sheet template.”
💬 Editorial comment: Sure, fax machines and handshake advice might make Gen Z roll their eyes so hard they see the metaverse—but buried beneath the outdated delivery is often timeless wisdom. Parents, take heart: your instincts are solid—it’s just your software that needs an update. And for the younger generation? Maybe don’t toss the whole message just because it came in Comic Sans. The fundamentals of hustle, curiosity, and human connection haven’t changed... they’ve just been rebranded. |
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🤝 Soft Skills Survival Guide
Companies Now Require Proof of Humanity for Job Applicants: The Battle Against Bot-Based Applications
"Please attach three memes and a blurry photo of you crying in a Trader Joe’s parking lot."
In a stunning new effort to combat AI-generated job applicants, corporations across the country are now asking candidates to prove they’re human—not just on a technical level, but on a deeply unhinged, 2025 kind of level.
Tech giant Cybertek Solutions led the charge this week by rolling out its Humanity Confirmation Form™, a revolutionary* (*unverified) document that requires applicants to submit evidence they are not sentient résumé-writing software.
Among the required proofs:
- Successfully identifying crosswalks in a CAPTCHA test (7 out of 10 correct required; no do-overs).
- Posting a TikTok doing the Cha Cha Slide in business casual.
- Laughing audibly at a dad joke submitted by the hiring manager.
- Accidentally typing “ducking” in a cover letter and leaving it in.
“We’re not asking for much,” said Janet Weir, Cybertek’s Head of Recruitment and Resident Human. “Just basic things no robot could fake—like minor emotional instability or a podcast addiction.”
🧠 Applicants Respond
Job seekers have taken to social media under the tag #HumanityConfirmed to share their efforts to pass the test, including:
- Crying in their car after hitting "Submit Application"
- Forgetting to mute during Zoom interviews
- Holding their cat hostage for a cameo in a “Get to Know Me” video
One user uploaded a blurry selfie captioned “3AM panic scroll on LinkedIn = human, right?”
👩⚖️ Expert Opinions
Dr. Mia Jordan, an AI ethics researcher and part-time job seeker, weighed in:
“Honestly, it’s less about proving you’re not a robot, and more about proving you haven’t given up yet.”
📣 From the Editor’s Desk:
HR's losing it. And honestly? Fair. You try fielding 2,300 cover letters that say “I am passionate about synergy.”
Here’s how to slap that "100% Human" label on your application without breaking into interpretive dance:
- Keep It Messy: Don’t airbrush your story. Tell the weird truth. Like how you once led a meeting from a Panera bathroom.
- Be Seen, Not Streamlined: You are more than your resume. Share links to your portfolio, your git repository, or your website. Tell your story.
- Send a Voice Note: If you sound like a person who’s running on hope and caffeine? You pass.
- Make It Personal(ish): No ChatGPT love letters. Your email should not contain the phrase “To whom synergy may concern.”
- Embrace the Cringe: If you’ve never re-read an old résumé and cringed, you’re either a bot… or you peaked in college.
Beat the bots. Out-human your competition. And maybe… cry in the break room just a little. You are not a slob just a little bit of a mess. That’s how they’ll know you’re real.
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💡The Sports Page
⛳️ Career Masters: A Beautiful Game of Delusion, Despair, and Occasional PTO
Every April, top golfers descend on Augusta to chase glory and green jackets. Meanwhile, you’re chasing unread emails and enough Slack emojis to qualify as performance feedback. Welcome to the Professional Masters—the world’s most prestigious game of "Did I sign up for this?"
Unlike its golfing cousin, this tournament is not played in lush landscapes. It’s played in cubicles, Slack threads, and the existential corner of your commute.
🏌️ Let’s Walk the Course:
🏁 The First Tee – “New Role Hype”
You hit the first drive strong—new job, new title, new login credentials. The future is bright, until your manager sends you a 74-slide onboarding deck… with no context.
💬 Hole 2 – “What do we even do here?”
Turns out, no one has an actual job description. You consider asking, but everyone seems really busy scheduling meetings to talk about future meetings.
🧃 Hole 4 – “Free Coffee!”
It’s burnt. But it’s free. You drink it like it's from a Michelin-starred espresso bar and tell your group chat it’s “not that bad.” You are lying.
🏌️♀️ Hole 6 – “Too Many Drinks at the Holiday Party”
You danced. You overshared. You called Craig from Finance “Dad.” You’ve been pretending to be sick for three days. HR knows.
🧢 Hole 9 – “Crushed a Presentation!”
You crushed it. You were clear, confident, and even remembered to unmute yourself. You’re a legend—for 48 hours.
🔁 Hole 10 – “Reorg”
Everyone’s boss is now their direct report. You now answer to someone whose entire personality is “pivoting.” Your new title is "Associate Strategist, Special Projects, Phase 2."
📤 Hole 12 – “Reply All Disaster”
You meant to forward it. You CC’d the CEO. You now live in a permanent state of email shame.
⛱️ Hole 14 – “Found Extra PTO Day!”
It was a system glitch. You booked it anyway. You are a hero.
📊 Hole 16 – “Meetings that Could’ve Been Emails”
You’ve reached the part of the course where hope goes to die. You contemplate faking your own Wi-Fi outage.
🧃 Hole 18 – “Drinks on the 19th Zoom”
Your camera’s off. Your drink’s on. You cheer to making it through another day without rage-quitting via Slack emoji.
🏆 The Real Trophy? Survival.
The truth is, no one wins the Professional Masters. You just keep showing up, swinging wildly at metaphorical balls of nonsense, and praying your Outlook calendar doesn’t invite you to Reorg #3.
So here’s to you: the unsung office athlete. The Zoom room warrior. The Monday morning miracle.
Keep your badge charged, your Slack status vague, and your coffee full.
See you at the 19th hole. 🍸
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📩Dear Progmess
Navigating the Career Quicksand
Dear Progmess,
I felt seen in your last issue. I’ve been stacking tasks like I’m building a monument to hustle since 2023, hoping it’d earn me a promotion. It didn’t. It earned me more tasks.
Now it’s 2025, and I’m still at the same rung. The company keeps blaming “budget constraints,” and meanwhile, other orgs say I’m too experienced for entry roles but not seasoned enough for leadership.
Basically, I’ve become a career Goldilocks: too much, not enough, just wrong. How do I escape this professional purgatory?
— Goldilocks
Dear Goldikock (a.k.a. patron saint of Getting Stuck for Doing Too Much),
Ah yes. You’ve reached that beautiful place on the org chart known as: "We’d be lost without you, but we also don’t know what to do with you."
You, my friend, have been accidentally excellent. And now they’re holding you hostage with polite Slack messages and a $10 DoorDash gift card.
Let’s fix that.
🛠 Here’s your Progmess Promotion Toolkit:
1. Build a Brag File (That Doesn’t Feel Gross)
Start tracking wins like your inbox depends on it. Quantify what you’ve done. “Led weekly syncs” isn’t it. Try: “Improved team response time by 32% while surviving two reorgs and three rogue Google Docs.”
2. Ask for a Grown-Up Conversation
Book a meeting that’s not just a ‘quick check-in.’ Tell your boss you want to talk trajectory. That’s code for: “I’m either growing here or growing elsewhere.”
3. Learn to Talk Like a Slide Deck
Executives don’t speak human. Translate your effort into goals, KPIs, and strategic alignment. Show them you’re not just putting out fires—you’re designing the hydrants.
4. Don’t Wait for a Pay Raise to Get Paid
Budget “constraints” might mean no raise—but what about conference passes, better projects, flexible hours, or a title glow-up? Negotiate like the clever operative you are.
5. Collect Allies Like They’re Pokémon
Internal champions matter. So do external ones. Build a network that says your name in rooms you're not in (preferably with good tone and no HR violations).
6. Plot Your Exit Like It’s a Heist
If they won’t elevate you, maybe it’s time to start interviewing elsewhere. You’ve got receipts, experience, and a professional poker face. That’s résumé gold.
You’re not in career limbo. You’re just between plot twists. And plot twists? Those are where the good stories start.
Keep stacking wins—but this time, stack ‘em where they’ll be seen.
- Progmess
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🔥 Bad Advice We Saw as an Instagram Inspirational Quote
🚫 “Do it with passion or not at all.”
Why It’s Not the Gospel:
🧽 Cool, so should I quit doing laundry?
Because we checked, and “fiery passion” isn’t what gets red wine out of a white blouse. If every task required deep soul alignment, nothing would ever get done—except maybe journaling and interpretive dance.
😤 Burnout called. It wants its mantra back.
You don’t need to love every email thread. Or every calendar invite. Or every single ‘circle back’ on a ‘deliverable.’ Some days you’re changing the world. Some days you’re just changing the toner.
🎯 Consistency > Chaos Energy.
Look, we’d all love to be fueled by creative fire. But sometimes, showing up at 9am with strong deodorant and a plan is enough. Nobody needs a passion-fueled brainstorm about Q3 logistics.
🛠️ Better Mantra...
Do it with purpose, or at least a snack.
Our 2 Cents (sometimes GSD is okay): 💰
The internet wants you to romanticize your to-do list. But if you’re waiting to feel deeply moved before tackling inbox zero… you’re gonna have 4,173 unread emails and a performance review that reads like a passive-aggressive haiku.
Sometimes the vibe is just: ✅ Task completed.
And that’s enough.
Now go forth. Fold that laundry. Answer that DM. Reheat that coffee for the third time.
No Oscars required. 💻🔥🍝
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Reader Poll
| What's your professional feels today? |
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💬 Vote your chaos. We don’t judge—we document.
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📩Until Next Time…
That’s a wrap on this week’s emotional rollercoaster of relatable career dysfunction.
🧠 New here? Welcome to the inbox mayhem.
📬 Hate-read us every Tuesday at noon (our time, not yours—we’re not that organized).
If you laughed, cried, or rage-applied to five jobs during this newsletter, consider forwarding it to someone who also responds to stress with productivity memes.
And if you are that friend, push this orange button to get the intervention.
🚀The Work in Progmess Team
P.S. Made it to the bitter end? Congratulations, you've officially avoided work for another five minutes! Click here for a surprise "Office Escape Challenge" – because who doesn't need a virtual break now and then?
PPS. 📎 Missed an issue? Dig through the digital archives like it’s your old AIM away messages at Work In Progmess.
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